I throw out a little heavy metal, meathead philosophy. “When I was little, I didn’t go to church. Metal was my religion!” I explain, throwing my fist in the air. “Metal concerts were my church — except, unlike the other church, I’d drink a 12-pack before attending services!”
As the cameras roll, I share my decadent metal days in my former, non-Christian speed-metal band Skull Fuck! “I gave into all of the devil’s temptations. Satan was whispering in my ear.” I tell about the exact moment (shortly after doing coke off of a groupie’s ass) when the Almighty turned my life around.
“I was in a motel in Bakersfield. I’ve been up for a few days on crank. When suddenly I felt this tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and this voice said, ‘Dude –‘”
The third-grade schoolteacher/host interrupts me: “Wait, the Lord called you ‘dude’?!”
“Yeah. He called me ‘dude,'” I continue. “He said to me, ‘Dude, if you keep this up, you’re going to end in one of the Three D’s: Death, Drug Overdose, or Disease!'” I say, explaining that “disease” refers to a sexually transmitted malady.
The host makes a sympathetic face. “What happened next?”
“I got rid of my guitar and burned all my metal albums.”
[Pause]
“Except Guns N’ Roses’ Appetite for Destruction, because the guitar on that really ROCKS!”
The host’s smile somehow expresses that Slash’s guitarwork even transcends Christian values. Next I blow my own metal horn. “Then one day God came to me. He told me, ‘You have a gift. Go use your gift in order to spread the word of the Lord!’ So I picked up a guitar again, and that’s how I started my Christian speed-metal band.” (“Prayer?” “No Pray-er!”)
